Don't Wait Until Death to Make Peace

At one of the hospitals where I work, a "Code Gray" means that someone has turned violent and the security guards are needed immdiately. Last week I was with a family that was so splintered and contentious that we had to call a Code Gray on them twice, and twice persons were escorted from the hosptial. At issue was the fact that the father of multiple children by different mothers was dying, and so sibblings who resented each other were forced into proximity.

I have been with many families at the time of death, and the families that have the hardest time letting go and dealing with death are not the close, loving families, but rather the families where members are estranged from one another. Frequently, persons arrive at a hospital who have not been in contact for many years. Sometimes reconciliation happens, but other times death brings an end to the hope that "Someday, she will be the mom I always wished she would be," or "Someday, maybe he will tell me that he loves me and is proud of me." The end of such hope results in regret and remorse, two feelings that intensify grief.

Jesus said that if you come to offer your gift to God and remember that your brother has something against you, that you should leave your gift, and go make peace with your brother. I think that is wise advice. If you want to live well to die well, don't let relationships fester, or resentments build. Make amends today, don't wait for tomorrow because tomorrow often turns into years. Don't wait until someone is dying because then it may be too late.

I once knew two sisters who had not spoken to each other for years despite living in the same town of 850 persons and despite going to the same church. Each sister would explain to me how the other sister had hurt her, detailing a long list going back all the way to childhood. Each sister was waiting for the other to make amends and to take the first step. I felt that this was particularly sad because both sisters were widowed, in poor health and desperately lonely. Both sisters needed the companionship and support that the other could have offered, but they were too filled with resentment to come together.

If you are estranged from someone, don't wait until death, make peace now. It is the way to live well so you can die well.