Living in Forgiveness is a Daily Task.

Recently I met a family in the hospital who was trying to make decisions for a patient who was not conscious after attempting suicide. The family said that the patient would likely be angry with them whatever decision they made as she had made multiple attempts on her own life. Her issues seemed to be ones of unforgiveness. The family said that "she never saw a grudge that she didn't like." When I said that to another chaplain she said, "What a horrible way to live, how could she ever find any peace?"

I am convinced that living in forgiveness is one of the essential ways to live well in order to die well. In many ways forgiveness is totally unnatural. It seems more natural to want revenge and "justice." Originally, the Biblical standard of "an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth" was a way to limit revenge to say that you can not kill someone who causes you to lose a tooth or an eye, that the revenge demanded may not be greater than the offense.

On the side of the offender, forgiveness of self is even more difficult to acheive, as we again hold on to our regret and remorse over past acts which hurt ourselves or others. I frequently hear people say, "I know that God has forgiven me, but I can't forgive myself" and I want to point out, "That sounds like you know better than God."

But forgiveness is also the only way to escape bondage to the past. In fact, forgiveness is a gift that we give to ourselves. As long as we hold on to grudges and revenge, or remorse and regret, the past will control our present and keep us from moving on into the future. The only way to let go of the hurt of the past is to live in forgiveness.

Now let me quickly say a few things: 1)  Forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same. We may forgive someone and still find it dangerous to be in their presence. 2) Forgiveness is not easy, it is often a daily commitment. 3) "Forgive and forget" is a fallacy because the things that most need to be forgiven are never forgotten, nor should they be. Forgiveness does not mean that you have wiped from your mind memories of pain and abuse. Instead, forgiveness means setting aside the pain of those experiencees and not letting them define you.

Everywhere we look around the world we see the pain and violence that results from persons holding on to the hurts of the past and reliving them in the present. We can never hope to find peace either personally or as a world, until we find forgiveness.