Rogers Counselors: Talking to Kids about Chris Marks

Alice Hein and Mary Beth Graefe, counselors at in Affton, address the importance of talking to children about loss in response to , who would have been in seventh grade.

Grief can be difficult for adults, and with children, even more challenging. Coping with grief involves the same stages regardless of age. The stages of grief are depression, anger, denial, bargaining and acceptance.  Understanding each stage may be confusing to children and cause them to be reluctant to express what is happening to them.

Often, adults or parents closest to the child may not understand what the child needs after suffering a loss. It is important for parents and adults to be aware of how they can be helpful, and to educate themselves to provide or obtain the support needed.

Where to begin?

• Acknowledge their feelings, let them know it’s okay to cry or be sad.
• Share your feeling with the child to model empathy.
• Respect the child’s coping strategies, everyone grieves differently.
• Use honest, concrete statements;   “Your friend/classmate has died”.
• Maintain established routines, this helps to maintain a sense of normalcy.
• Expect some behavior changes.   Common changes in behavior include, but are not limited to, changes in appetite, sleep patterns, relationships with friends and family, mood, and interest in activity.
• Understand many adolescents prefer to talk to their friends instead of their parents, don’t take it personally.  You can follow up with, “How was your talk with _________?”
• Respect the child’s need to be alone at times, but be concerned if he/she becomes too reclusive.

What can you do?

• Encourage your child to start a journal, writing about their feelings and fond memories of the person who died.
• Encourage your child to express their feelings through art work.
• Encourage your child to exercise every day.
• Provide your child with healthy snacks and food for proper nutrition.
• Encourage your child to get plenty of rest and take time to relax.
• Provide or discuss a list of people that your child can talk to; school counselor, teacher, neighbor, pastor, coach, etc.
• Reassure your son or daughter that they are safe and loved.

Keep in mind…

• Everyone grieves differently; your child may not be grieving like everyone else. It is normal to experience the stages of grief multiple times and in no order.
• Death ends a life but it does not end a relationship.  Memories go on in our minds.
• Take days and things one at a time.
• Rogers Middle School and the Guidance Department will have additional counselors available on the first few days of school to help in any way needed.
• All schools in the Affton School District have counselors and social workers available for any assistance needed.